Author: Steve Melcher

John George Brown, American

“Hmm, What Do You Call a Dog Who Just Sits There in One Place? I’ve Got It! Spot!,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Ernst Ludwig Kirchner, German

Portrait of the Artist (After Passing Out in a Plate of Baked Beans), 1925

Oil on canvas

Friedrich Friedländer, Bohemian-Austrian

“I Have To Admit, Ruth, You’re Not Exactly What I Was Looking For, But I Guess You Never Know What You’ll Get When You Match on Grindr,” Before 1901

Oil on panel

Horace Bonham, American

“Rats. When I Was Time Traveling This Morning, I Think I Left My Laptop Back in 1879. And I’m Pretty Sure I Had a Window of Porn Open. I Wonder If Anyone Found It,” 1879

Oil on canvas

Friedrich Friedländer, Bohemian-Austrian

“Oh, Shoot. I Remember Paul Saying Something Like ‘One If By Land and Two If By Sea.’ But Was I Supposed to Hang Lanterns or Just Text Him?,” Before 1901

Oil on panel

Julius Exner, Danish

“There’s No Need To Be Frightened, Little Girl. Haven’t You Ever Seen Someone With Two Left Feet Before?,” 1853

Oil on canvas

Charles Bertrand d’Entraygues, French

“I’d Buy You a Rose, But I Don’t Want to Contribute to the Perpetuation of Heteronormative, Patriarchal Traditions in Today’s Society. Plus, I Already Spent My Allowance on a Frog,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Jessica Hayllar, British

“Oh, Come Now, Michael. I’m Sure When Ms. Poppins Called You a ‘Spoiled Little Twerp,’ She Meant It in the Nicest Possible Way,” 1892

Oil on canvas