Author: Steve Melcher

Raimundo de Madrazo y Garreta, Spanish-Italian

Note To Artists: If You Hire Tiffany As a Model, You’d Best Keep an Eye on Her, Because She WILL Find Your Liquor Cabinet, ca. 1885

Oil on canvas

Cornelis Cornelisz Van Haarlem, Dutch

“Sorry, I’ve Got a Policy Against Having Sex With Court Jesters. But We Can Fool Around a Little,” 1595

Oil on canvas

Rembrandt van Rijn, Dutch

“Oh, Hello There. You’re Probably Searching For Taylor Swift’s ‘Tortured Poets Department.’ This Is a Tortured Poet’s A-partment. Now If You Don’t Mind, I’m Trying To Finish This Stupid Stanza,” 1631

Oil on canvas

Gilbert Stuart, American

The Right Honorable William Brownlow, With the Paper Hat He Wears at His Fry Cook Job, ca. 1790

Oil on canvas

Ettore Forti, Italian

“The Great Thing About This Piece Is Its Versatility. Displayed Like So, It’s Purely Ornamental. Orrr…You Can Take Off the Top and Use It As a Toilet Paper Holder,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Hendrick ter Brugghen, Dutch

Can You Solve Today’s “Priceless Puzzle?” We’re Looking For a Common Phrase (ANSWER BELOW), 1629

Oil on panel

(ANSWER: “A Good Night’s Sleep”)

Albert Edelfelt, Finnish

“Okay Stu, I Know You’ve Been Standing There For Hours. If You’d Like To Break For Lunch, Raise Your Right Buttock,” 1874

Oil on canvas

Julius LeBlanc Stewart, American

Five Friends Playing That Game Where You Try To Be the Last To Vomit, 1890

Oil on canvas

Alfred W. Elmore, Irish

“Tell Me If I’m Wrong, But I’m Going To Take This Minute of Awkward Silence As a ‘No,'” 1860

Oil on canvas