Author: Steve Melcher

 Félix Vallotton, French-Swiss

When She Heard the Footsteps Stop Behind Her, Gladys Instantly Knew That These Library Books Weren’t the Only Things Getting Checked Out Today, 1915

Oil on canvas

Thomas Sully, American

“Oh Hey, I Was Wondering Where You Disappeared To. Please Tell Me You Didn’t Just Give My Paperweight To That Douche George Washington,” 1809

Oil on canvas

Thomas Sully, American

“Well Well, It’s About Time You Showed Up. Please Tell Me You Found a Paperweight,” ca. 1820

Oil on canvas

Hugo Kotschenreiter, German

Tom and Melinda Found This Kind of Foreplay Incredibly Hot. Though That Might Have Something To Do With Their Proximity To the Forge, Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Jules Girardet, French

The Ankle Flash Was Just a Teaser. If Gustave Wanted To See Some Toe, He’d Have To Go To Her OnlyFans Page, Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Jan Daemen Cool, Dutch

Doctor Cornelis van der Heijde and His Wife, Who Just Got the Results of Her Latest Pregnancy Test, 1639

Oil on canvas

J.A.G. Acke, Swedish

“Of Course You Can Get a Selfie With Me, Young Man. Would You Prefer a Painting, Tapestry, or Statue?,” 1881

Oil on canvas

William Powell Frith, English

Of Course Carolyn Was Nervous. It Was Her First Day As Junior VP of Wraps and Shawls and She Didn’t Want To Blow It. Or She’d Be Looking at Two More Years As Assistant Director of Underpants, 1856

Oil on canvas

Michael Peter Ancher, Danish

“So This Thing Didn’t Work on Rocks and Now It Doesn’t Work on Sand. I Say We Just Chuck the Piece of Crap Into the Ocean. Who’s With Me?,” 1883

Oil on canvas