Author: Steve Melcher

Francesco Vinea, Italian

“I’m Going To Take That As a ‘No’ To My Suggestion of a Three-Way,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Nicolai Abildgaard, Danish

“You’re Right, These Aren’t the Terms of Surrender. It’s My Screenplay. If You Have Any Suggestions For Trims, I’m Trying To Cut 15 Pages,” 1785

Oil on canvas

William Cogswell, American

“Ulysses, You’re Not Planning To Wear That Ugly Thing For Your $50 Bill Portrait Session, Are You? Why Don’t You Wear That Cute Peach Sweater I Got You For Your Birthday? Not the Blue One — That Makes You Look Fat. And I Assume You’re Going To Trim Your Nose Hair…,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Giuseppe Agujari, Italian

Man Posing For Goatherds4Goatherds Dating Site, Maaaatch.com, 19th century

Watercolor on paper

Balthasar van den Bossche, Flemish

“Gentlemen, This Is My Artist’s Assistant, Brad. I Let Him Handle the Genitals. Oh, and He Also Does Some Sculpting,” 1709

Oil on canvas

Winslow Homer, American

For 45 Minutes Emma Just Sat There, Refusing To Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room, ca. 1877

Oil on canvas

Florent Willems, Belgian

“Okay Fine, I’ll Rephrase. Polly Most Humbly Requests a Cracker at Madame’s Earliest Convenience. Is That Polite Enough For You?,” Date Unknown

Oil on panel

Anthoni Schoonjans, Southern Netherlandish

It Was the Night Before His “Shark Tank” Appearance, and Leonardo da Vinci Still Couldn’t Decide Whether To Pitch His Flying Machine or His Air Fryer, Date Unknown

Oil on canvas