Hermann Kern, Austrian-Hungarian
Lester, About To Learn the Hard Way That You Should Never Drink and Bassoon, Date Unknown
Oil on panel
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/// He knows playing wrong notes means dismissal.
Yet, suggest that he’s drunk and he’ll bristle.
Osyp plays the bassoon
and, to “keep it in tune,”
he insists he must first wet his whistle.
/// At the Concert Break Osyp heads first
to where, backstage, he slakes his great thirst.
Drinking gets him befuddled
and his music is muddled.
Skip the beer; Osyp should have rehearsed.
/// Osyp finished off first a large jug.
For a chaser, he’d filled the glass mug.
But no break time remained
with the mug just half drained,
so he showed them how fast he could chug.
/// As the end of the concert grew near,
he experienced his greatest fear.
All the liquid he drank
would soon burst Osyp’s “tank”
and would, while he’s onstage, reappear.
/// As he struggles, his woodwind. to blow,
he’s consumed by a strong urge to “go.”
When the encore draws near,
Osyp thinks, “Hold my beer.”
But his bladder replies to him, “No.”
/// Micturition in public’s not neat;
there’s no way to stay darkly discreet.
A flautist would flout
at the flow which came out—
soaking pants and then pooled at their feet.
/// Once before, when in full stupor mode,
and the beer had both in and outflowed,
he, his colleagues, abused
when a tuba was used
as a last-minute, make-do commode.