Bartholomeus van der Helst, Dutch
“Um, Why Is Everyone at the Party Staring at Me? Do I Have Something on My Face?,” 1660
Oil on canvas
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/// If you’re drinking and order a triple,
sip from shells— no one sees what you tipple.
Feeling friendly and loose,
it’s a dandy excuse for
“malfunctions” and slips of a nipple.
/// The lady we’re leering at here
is the artist’s wife, Anna du Pire.
As “Granida” she’s dressed,
(who exposes one breast),
and her costume was well-known that year.
/// Back then, viewers accepted this pose
only due to those then-famous clothes.
In that “pastoral play”
the star dressed in that way.
(Like some actresses in today’s shows.)
/// Men are told that they ought not to stare.
They must focus on both eyes “up there.”
But this peek-a-boo game
draws their gaze like a flame.
The “polite thing to do” isn’t fair!
/// Some react to a nip slip with terror,
and yet men will routinely pose barer.
I can only deduce
that for girls they have use,
while men’s nipples have grown there in error.