Category: Uncategorized

Wouter Crabeth II, Dutch

“Well, Technically You Have TWO Pairs. I Would Raise,” After 1626

Oil on canvas

Antonio Ermolao Paoletti, Italian

“You Call THAT Making Out? You Should’ve Seen Them Last Night When We Were Playing Spin the Botticelli,” Before 1912

Oil on canvas

Paul Seignac, French

“…Cannot Afford An Attorney, One Will Be Appointed For You. Do You Understand These Rights As They Have Been Read To You?,” Date Unknown

Oil on panel

Edmund Blair Leighton, English

“Hey, So You’re a Milkmaid? I’ve Got a Good One For You: Why Do Cows Have Hooves Instead of Feet? Because They Lactose! Get It? Okay, That Was Kind of Cheesy, So Here’s Another One…” 1920

Oil on panel

Alfred Diston, British

Suddenly, the Idyllic Silence of the Countryside Was Shattered By the Vendor’s Strident Call: “Asparagus Spears! Get Yer Red-Hot Asparagus Spears Heah!,” 1828

Watercolor and graphite on moderately thick, slightly textured, cream wove paper

Raimundo de Madrazo y Garreta, Spanish-Italian

Note To Artists: If You Hire Tiffany As a Model, You’d Best Keep an Eye on Her, Because She WILL Find Your Liquor Cabinet, ca. 1885

Oil on canvas

Cornelis Cornelisz Van Haarlem, Dutch

“Sorry, I’ve Got a Policy Against Having Sex With Court Jesters. But We Can Fool Around a Little,” 1595

Oil on canvas

Rembrandt van Rijn, Dutch

“Oh, Hello There. You’re Probably Searching For Taylor Swift’s ‘Tortured Poets Department.’ This Is a Tortured Poet’s A-partment. Now If You Don’t Mind, I’m Trying To Finish This Stupid Stanza,” 1631

Oil on canvas

Gilbert Stuart, American

The Right Honorable William Brownlow, With the Paper Hat He Wears at His Fry Cook Job, ca. 1790

Oil on canvas

Ettore Forti, Italian

“The Great Thing About This Piece Is Its Versatility. Displayed Like So, It’s Purely Ornamental. Orrr…You Can Take Off the Top and Use It As a Toilet Paper Holder,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas