Author: Steve Melcher

John Watson Nicol, British

Great Moment in Phallic Fool-ic Portraiture, 1895

Oil on canvas

Franz Müller-Münster, German

Scene From the Classic Clothing-Optional Western,”Butts Cassidy and the No Pants Kid,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Jan van Beers, Belgian

“Okay, Joke’s Over. Where’d You Hide My Comb?,” Between 1874 and 1897

Oil on panel

Albert Guillaume, French

“Sorry Lady, But We Have a Strict “No Returns” Policy. Have You Considered Military School?,” Before 1942

Oil on panel

Vilhelm Hammershøi, Danish

Lord Kensington and His Guests Were Probably Starting To Wonder Where Their Meat Course Had Disappeared To, But Screw It. Matilda Was About To Beat Her Candy Crush High Score!, 1888

Oil on canvas

David Klöcker Ehrenstrahl, German-Swedish

Note To Artists: This Is Why, When Hiring Models, You Don’t Mention the Open Bar, 1686

Oil on canvas

B. Fitzenhofer, German (copyist)

Germany’s Count Heinrich VI, Four-Time Professional Water Skiing Champion, 1911 (copy of a 17th century work)

Oil on canvas

Workshop of David Klöcker Ehrenstrahl, Swedish

“Listen, This Place Is Nice, But We Need More Space. I Just Found a Cute Cumulonimbus on Cielo.com. Yes, Interest Rates Are in the Stratosphere, But We Can’t Let That Cloud Our Judgment Because in This Environment It’ll Probably Be Gone By Morning,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Albert Guillaume, French

Woman Attacked By Vampire With Terrible Aim, Date Unknown

Oil on panel