Author: Steve Melcher

Lodewijk van der Helst, Dutch

“My Esteemed Houseguests: It’s Been Brought To My Attention That We Have Run Out of Toilet Tissue. Reserves Will Arrive With the Morrow’s Post. In the Meantime, I’m Afraid We’ll Have To Make Do With a Few of My Early Pencil Sketches,” ca. 1660-72

Oil on canvas

Bartholomeus van der Helst, Dutch

“Yo Babe, the Painter Has Asked You Numerous Times To Stop F***ing Around With Those Flowers,” 1654

Oil on canvas

Bartholomeus van der Helst, Dutch

“I’m Sorry, I’m a Little Deaf in My Left Ear. Could You Please Repeat What You Just Said About My Mustache, Tough Guy?,” 1668

Oil on canvas

Boris Kustodiev, Russian-Soviet

“Hey! I’ve Been Using This As a Dipping Sauce. When Were You Planning To Tell Me It’s Your Cat’s Food Dish?,” 1918

Oil on canvas

Albert Lynch, Peruvian

“What, These Flowers? Yeah, Bob Cheated On Me Again. But You Know What They Say: The Third Swedish Nanny’s a Charm,” Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Luigi Crosio, Italian

“Oh Fine, Just Drop It Already. But Next Time Could You Please Buy a Stamp Like a NORMAL Secret Admirer?,” 1867

Oil on canvas

Victor Marais-Milton, French

Yes, the Girls’ Roommate Mitch Had Come Home Drunk Again. So They Did the Classy Thing and Poured Him a Pot of Hot Coffee, Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Pieter de Hooch, Dutch

“Good Timing, Young Lady. You Caught Me on My Cheat Day. Let Me Have Two Boxes of Thin Mints, Three Boxes of Samoas…Actually, You Know What? Why Don’t You Just Have Your Mom Back Her Truck Up To My Door?,” ca. 1663

Oil on canvas