Author: Steve Melcher

Balthasar van den Bossche, Flemish

“Gentlemen, This Is My Artist’s Assistant, Brad. I Let Him Handle the Genitals. Oh, and He Also Does Some Sculpting,” 1709

Oil on canvas

Winslow Homer, American

For 45 Minutes Emma Just Sat There, Refusing To Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room, ca. 1877

Oil on canvas

Florent Willems, Belgian

“Okay Fine, I’ll Rephrase. Polly Most Humbly Requests a Cracker at Madame’s Earliest Convenience. Is That Polite Enough For You?,” Date Unknown

Oil on panel

Anthoni Schoonjans, Southern Netherlandish

It Was the Night Before His “Shark Tank” Appearance, and Leonardo da Vinci Still Couldn’t Decide Whether To Pitch His Flying Machine or His Air Fryer, Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

 Félix Vallotton, French-Swiss

When She Heard the Footsteps Stop Behind Her, Gladys Instantly Knew That These Library Books Weren’t the Only Things Getting Checked Out Today, 1915

Oil on canvas

Thomas Sully, American

“Oh Hey, I Was Wondering Where You Disappeared To. Please Tell Me You Didn’t Just Give My Paperweight To That Douche George Washington,” 1809

Oil on canvas

Thomas Sully, American

“Well Well, It’s About Time You Showed Up. Please Tell Me You Found a Paperweight,” ca. 1820

Oil on canvas

Hugo Kotschenreiter, German

Tom and Melinda Found This Kind of Foreplay Incredibly Hot. Though That Might Have Something To Do With Their Proximity To the Forge, Date Unknown

Oil on canvas

Jules Girardet, French

The Ankle Flash Was Just a Teaser. If Gustave Wanted To See Some Toe, He’d Have To Go To Her OnlyFans Page, Date Unknown

Oil on canvas