Gerard van Honthorst, Dutch
“Great Moments in Phallic Portraiture” (Page 417), 1647
Oil on canvas
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MASTERPIECE #3675
/// Willem holds out his rod as a tease,
illustrating how well he can please.
Mary says there’s no need
for the “planting” of seed;
they have babies here growing on trees.
/// Yet, these images may be symbolic.
Putti don’t really, in the sky, frolic.
There’s no babies with wings.
Is someone seeing things?
(Painter Gerard may be alcoholic.)
/// Willem II, Prince of Orange— that’s him.
Mary Stewart’s his wife, looking trim.
Dutch and British combine.
He was fourteen, she nine,
when they wed by political whim.
/// Though her chest makes her look like a lad,
that is partly the way she is clad.
Mary came to the throne
when she wasn’t yet grown.
Widowed not yet nineteen— very sad.
/// When they wed they had not even dated.
Years passed, puberty hit, and they mated.
Days before she gave birth,
Willem passed from this earth,
back then nobody got vaccinated.
/// Some believe that his long, phallic rod
is a scepter, (an “I’m royal” nod).
But those tend to be lumpy,
with fine filigree bumpy,
so this one looks exceedingly odd.
/// For a scepter it’s awfully plain;
wood, but smooth with no sign of a vein.
The extreme length of it
brings up where it could fit
without sharp, unavoidable pain.
/// No, when winged infant flocks overwhelm,
he will fight back, protecting his realm.
That big stick he will brandish,
holding off foes outlandish—
two cute cherubs who’ve stolen his helm.