Artist Unknown, English School
“Great Moments in Phallic Portraiture” (Collectible Maritime Edition!), Date Unknown
Color print
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/// With his ‘scope* aimed at ships passing by,
Royal Navy Commander would spy.
Lady Gwen’s craft came nigh,
she caught Elliot’s eye
in her bathing attire (flashing thigh).
/// At her porthole he’d focused, impressed
by the view as Gwen got fully dressed.
In her cabin at sea,
she thought no one could see.
The Commander vowed, “She’ll be my guest.”
/// He sent sailors to her private yacht
with strict orders from him: They were not
to return without Gwen.
Elliot’s loyal men
brought her back to his side on the spot.
/// In her finest attire she is standing
by his telescope as he tries landing
her with his best lines,
but the lady declines.
She is smarter and just as commanding.
/// Sailors think that a woman on board
brings bad luck which they cannot afford.
All his claims he adored
her, Gwen cooly ignored.
Elliot’s luck was bad. Never scored.
/// There are naval rules one ought not flout
if the outcome is in any doubt.
Lady Gwen was returned
to her yacht, though he yearned.
He had not fully scoped the girl out.
/// This whole escapade was a disaster.
Gwen reported that he had harassed her.
And a detail she hid:
Gwen’s an Admiral’s kid.
(The Commander is clearly no Master.)
*/// The big telescope through which he spied
isn‘t shown here, (it’s off to the side).
She is fondling his gun,
which, for sure, is more fun.
A ‘scope aimed the wrong way? No, I lied.
”She was only the Admiral’s daughter,
and her navel was pierced through and through.
She would meet sailors out on the water
and she let Naval men pierce her, too.”