Bartholomeus van der Helst, Dutch
“I’m Warning You, This Portrait Better Not Make Me Look Heavy. And Don’t Give Me That Crap About the Canvas Adding 10 Pounds,” 1642
Oil on panel
Follow That Is Priceless on Social Media and GoComics (the Link button):
Click to Follow This Blog or Share This Masterpiece:
Info about this artist is pointed to by my comment in an earlier blog entry.
/// “What was that! Did that man call me ‘shrimp’?“
“No, milord, the word muttered was ’blimp’.”
“I should smack his smug face
for that public disgrace,
and I would, but my wrist is too limp.”
/// Here we see Gerard Andriesz Bicker,
(so obese that we fear for his ticker).
Nowadays some might snicker:
“Since his blubber is thicker
than a whale’s— that boy can hold his liquor.”
/// The bold outfit he’s wearing is brimming
with rich textures, bright hues and lace trimming.
He is clearly not shy
about catching the eye.
Won’t wear black (even though it is slimming).
/// Gerard’s father, Andries, also sat
for a portrait, but he wasn’t fat.
He’s in black, looking tough,
with a pristine white ruff.
Quite unlike the huge son he begat.
/// At first glance many viewers conclude
that this portrait’s a girl, not a dude.
There’s the smooth beardless face,
the hands posed with such grace,
and the red pouting lips that protrude.
/// But the title proclaims him “Gerard,”
Bicker’s son, so it’s just a canard
to mislabel his gender
as a female pretender.
He’s not thicc, he’s just padded with lard.