Edmund Blair Leighton, English
He’s a 9 But His Valentine’s Day Game Is a 2, 1890
Oil on canvas
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MASTERPIECE #3080
Artist info is pointed to in my comment at a prior blog entry.
/// ‘Twas the natural order of things,
back then when men and maids exchanged rings:
Woman’s lovely and pure.
Man’s wealth kept them secure.
But he’s pretty and poor, (and that stings).
/// Now, the Question’s been popped— Yes or No.
He knows, down on one knee he should go.
But his breeches are tight.
If stretched more they just might
split, and then his shortcomings would show.
/// There’s a reason for Rod’s awkward stance.
It’s the pressure applied by his pants.
While proposing, he flinched
‘cause his groin had been pinched,
which subdued Rodney’s mood for romance.
/// Rod’s unfortunate love for high fashion
is now risking his chances for passion.
He confessed to poor Myrtle,
tight pants make men infertile.
At this news, the girl turned, and turned ashen.
/// On this day ruled by Saint Valentine,
Rodney whispered, “Sweet Myrtle, be mine.”
As his lady love blushed
all was stock-still and hushed.
Would his dearest accept or decline?
/// Desperate strategies coursed through his brain.
“Please say yes, or I may go insane!
Naught to hide— I adore you.
I’ll stand naked before you.
(Which, if nothing else, should end my pain!)”
/// Rodney’s groin’s being pinched and it itches.
Should he put on an old codpiece, which is
a family heirloom?
‘Twould give him more room,
but they’d think he’s “too big for his breeches.”
Alternatively:
/// Rodney planned to use some of Myrt’s riches
to pay tailors to let out the stitches
in his garb where legs meet,
(not the front, but the seat),
where he’s gotten too big for his breeches.