Bartholomäus Sarburgh, German
“It’s Not a Hat. It’s a Solar Panel for a Sex Machine,” 1625
Oil on oak panel
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MASTERPIECE #3061
It was found in a laundromat
And it’s playing the part of a hat/
But that simple device/
Can cook Spanish rice/
In seventy seconds flat!///
She’s not very happy today/
For they’ve taken her her “playbook” away:/
She’s been given a missal:/
They’re hoping that this’ll/
Replace “Fifty Shades of Gray”.
Info, or links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here (Google translated), and here (Google Chrome can automatically translate), perhaps in addition to what’s in his Google translated German Wikipedia page.
/// “People call me judgmental and stiff;
looking like I had just caught a whiff
of a rain-soaked raccoon.
Well, my name’s Wasserhuhn;
it’s my husband who’s last name is Ryff.”
/// Dorothea dressed for her audition
to assist Cologne’s greatest magician.
He put down his top hat
which collapsed when she sat.
(Very bad for the rabbit’s condition.)
/// The magician was, shall we say, miffed.
Dorothea’s dismissal was swift.
Though his manner was brisk,
the crushed hat, (now a disk),
was presented to her as a gift.
/// She’s not certain what made her decide
to put on that flat hat— maybe pride.
Later, in an ice storm,
it would keep her head warm
with its rabbit-fur lining inside.
/// From that hat, which she chooses to wear,
there’s protruding some hair from a hare.
She finds the look pleasin’,
(though it’s not wabbit season),
but it Bugs her when rude people stare.
/// The sad fact that she’s suffering with
alopecia is known to her kith.
Being bald’s no disgrace
(like a slap in the face).
Just be glad she’s not wed to Will Smith.
/// Taking off her hat fills her with dread,
she would rather strip naked instead.
But, the Frau does have hair;
long and tended with care.
It’s a shame that it’s not on her head.
/// Dorothea, (her headgear aside),
read her Bible all day, and with pride.
Every hour she would look
in her red-covered book
for the Good Book’s “good parts” as a guide.
/// She knew “Solomon’s Song” now by heart,
and could locate each prurient part
of the Testaments (two).
Both the Old and the New
had some carnal details to impart.