MASTERPIECE #3049

/// All those cola drinks Santa Claus sneaks,
sipped with sugary cookies, bespeaks
the probable reason
that each Christmas season,
it’s rosacea which ruddies his cheeks.

/// Cold fresh milk Santa no longer drinks,
because Mrs. Claus showed him the links
between lactose ingestion
and the reindeers’ suggestion
that he not fly downwind. (Santa stinks.)

/// On a little child’s new Christmas dolly,
rosy cheeks may appear to be jolly.
Santa’s acne now shows,
on his face and his nose;
the same color as berries on holly.

/// It’s been said Haddon Sundblom’s the cause
of the red coat worn by Santa Claus.
No, that coat is in place
to distract from his face
which is so red it garners guffaws.

/// It’s the reason he’d grown that full beard.
To obscure facial skin which looked weird.
The famed bringer of toys
to the world’s girls and boys
shouldn’t look like a fiend to be feared.

/// Santa’s ancient, yet not at his coda,
(despite drinking those gallons of soda).
When I’m his age will I
look as good as this guy?
Not look good even will I as Yoda.
(Santa: 1751 years old, Yoda: only 900)

/// A millennium plus is Saint Nick.
Burns his candle both ends of the wick.
Though you don’t see him age,
he’s no wizard nor mage.
All that sugar is making him sick.

/// “Guzzling gallons of Coke from Atlanta
isn’t good for my belly,” says Santa.
“Carbonation, alas,
fills my gut up with gas.
Now I send my elves out for Mylanta.”

/// Coke he swallowed would fill up a vat,
but Nick’s bladder’s constrained by his fat.
That’s why, during his ride,
Nick pees over the side.
(His eight reindeer have done worse than that.)

/// All the mascots for Coke have white hair.
For example, the “Sprite Boy” who’d wear
a bottle-cap hat,
(he’s elf-like, not fat),
unlike Santa and that polar bear.

/// Santa poses with Coke (pictured here),
but the beverage he drinks most is beer.
And he offers this toast
to the whole Priceless host:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!