Auguste Toulmouche, French
“Yes, I’m Aware That I Keep Threatening To Leave Twitter. But You Know As Well As I Do That You Can’t Believe Anything You Read On Twitter,” 1877
Oil on canvas
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/// For A Garden Stroll in the fresh air,
girls must choose the best outfits to wear.
Hats which flatter the face
over layers of lace
to attract wealthy men to ensnare.
/// They would speak of Descartes and Voltaire,
and recite from the plays of Molière.
They’d coquettishly stare
(flashing hints they’d get bare)
at each unmarried young millionaire.
/// Though they hunted for mates as a pair
neither had the intention to share.
They were both too bourgeois
for a ménage à trois.
Each sought marriage, not just an affair.
/// If one girl captures some rich man’s heart,
by agreement, her friend would depart.
First to wed hews to plan:
Her pal paired with Best Man.
Set them both up to feel Cupid’s dart.
/// Best man was much more handsome and wealthy
than the groom, but he wasn’t as healthy.
Honeymooning, he died.
The new widow’s friend cried:
“Tell me, dear, did you do something stealthy?”
/// These two gal pals, together again,
have no need to get money from men.
One’s man just passed away
and the other’s is gay,
now they travel the world feeling zen.
/// Belle brought Jolene outdoors to surprise her.
(They’d have worn other clothes, were they wiser.)
As they strolled, each long skirt
trailed behind through the dirt,
which was covered with fresh fertilizer.
> or <
/// “Yes, we’re twins, but I don’t look like you.
we are not an identical two.
We can’t be ‘Siamese;’
we’re conjoined, if you please,
by a tube of Papa’s Krazy glue.”