James Northcote, English
“Hmm. Every Instinct Is Telling Me To Take Your Knight, But My Wireless Anal Beads Are Instructing Me To Play It Safe,” 1831
Oil on canvas
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Info, or links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here, here (can be read in full for free on Fridays), here, and here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page.
/// Both these Chess Players have different styles.
Gray haired Ned will rely on his wiles.
Practiced hundreds of weeks,
mastered classic techniques,
and won every time in early trials.
/// Ned’s opponent is backed by his beau.
Both try mind tricks to bring Ned down low.
Concentration they’d break;
make Ned make a mistake
staring deep and hard right at their foe.
/// If they both with Ned seem to be flirting,
they hope Ned’s chess game soon will be hurting.
They assume that Ned’s straight
and he won’t call out “mate”
if he finds this dark queen disconcerting.
/// Not to lose is their singular goal,
so they have one more “ace in the hole.”
Their white dog will, on cue,
steal a chess piece or two
and then swallow the pieces she stole.
/// As a jewel-smuggler Butler was feckless.
He developed a plan that was reckless.
It’s a plan that then leads
to the first anal beads.
Deep inside’s where he hides the pearl necklace.