Artist Unknown
“I Appreciate You Wanting To Give Me a Nickname, Lady, But ‘Horny’ Isn’t Really Working For Me. And I’m Not a Big Fan of ‘Unic’ Either,” ca. 1510
Oil on canvas
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/// His head rests in her lap with no urgin’—
like all unicorns: drawn to a virgin.
Young men flee her in dread.
Try for her maidenhead;
you’ll be gored and in need of a surgeon.
/// Almost every disease it could cure,
and turn water from poisoned to pure.
In the scepters of Kings,
they were magical things.
If you had one, your fortune was sure.
/// Men had long prized the rare “alicorn,”
which they claimed was a unicorn’s horn.
This rare object, in truth,
is a narwhal’s long tooth.
(Every minute a “sucker” is born.)