William Ely Hill, American
It Was Happening Again. Whenever Leonard Was in the Presence of Beautiful Women, He Totally Froze, 1913
Photomechanical print
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/// On the cover of Christmas week’s Puck,
frigid Snowman sheds tears. “Just my luck.
Flanked by showgirls who smile
beneath mistletoe, while,
if I kissed one, our tongues would get stuck.”
/// Each girl holds one hand up in the air,
but the other hand’s placed… who knows where?
Showgirls flirt, bump, and grind
toward the Snowman’s behind:
Christmas goose in the ol’ derrière.
/// He ought to be glad to be seen
on the front of this famed magazine.
With his straw hat and staff,
readers see him and laugh.
The joke (what he lacks), is obscene.
/// Snowmen often are rounded and fat,
with no clothes but a muffler or hat.
As for legs? Almost never.
But this artist is clever.
Above legs, (like a Ken doll), he’s flat.
/// Thus, the “joke” that we viewers are shown
is a harsh one of love never known.
And the reason he cries
from his sad charcoal eyes,
is he knows he’ll be always alone.
On second thought:
/// Perhaps what these showgirls demand’ll
be more than our snowman can handle.
Compared to snowgirl charms,
he would melt in these arms.
They can lit’rally not hold a candle.
/// They could not hold a candle to snow.
(The fire’s heat would just melt it, you know,
which would then douse the flame.)
Still, I guess all the same,
unlit candles could thrill down below.
/// This sad snowman has no parts organic.
(Though, I guess that his staff is botanic.)
Snow plus coal plus a hat;
and an icicle that,
(sharp and cold), girls avoid in a panic.