Edvard Bentzen, Danish
Walter Suddenly Regretted Offering His Client Free Delivery. How The Heck Was He Going To Get This Sucker In His Prius?, 1893
Oil on canvas
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Info, or links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here (Google translated), and here (Google translated), perhaps in addition to what’s in his Google translated Danish Wikipedia page.
/// Famed Ms. Heiberg, an actress and Dane,
was a wise woman hard to restrain.
Said her sculptor, “I tried
to appeal to her pride.
Thus I’ve captured her beauty and brain.”
/// Bissen gazed at his “sculpture” with pride.
Thought of Heiberg, his subject, INSIDE.
(The wily old bastard
got her doubly plastered
and then made her hold still as it dried.)
/// Under plaster, Ms. Heiberg grew madder
‘til the sculptor climbed up on his ladder.
Cut air holes at her nose,
then inserted a hose
down below, to relieve her full bladder.
/// Heiberg knew she would be on display
as “performance art” just for one day.
She’d emerge from her “shell”
(claustrophobe’s private hell)
proving only she, she could portray.
/// After Lot’s wife looked back and got “salted,”
one might think that her spouse can’t be faulted
drinking wine until stewed.
Got so drunk he was screwed
when both daughters, their father, assaulted.
/// Bible stories I’ve heard my whole life.
With improbable myths they are rife.
What I couldn’t achieve
was the knack to believe.
(Take these tales with a grain of Lot’s wife.)
/// He just now pictured “having his way”
with this statue he’d finished today.
But despite his lewd wish, her
form featured no fissure.
And he thought, “Damn! I should’ve used clay.”