Christen Kobke, Danish
The A-Hole Who Broke the Antenna Off My Camry, 1830
Oil on canvas
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FROM THE ARCHIVES: MASTERPIECE #128
Info, or links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here, here, here, and here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page (Google translated Danish Wikipedia page has more).
/// Christen Købke did not make amends
for his bent Portrait of Wilhelm Bendz.
The “mahlstick” (painter’s tool)
makes Bendz look like a fool.
What’s a thin phallic rod among friends?
/// Wilhelm’s wife saw his rod and it shocked her.
When he heard her reaction he mocked her:
“I’m someone who copes.
This thing telescopes.
If it goes to four feet, call a doctor.”
/// Købke’s paintings had taken him far.
He’d admit that his portrait’s bizarre.
So who cares it’s not thick?
For it’s only a stick.
“A cigar’s sometimes just a cigar.”
/// (Humor isn’t an easy equation.
If suggestive we oft use evasion.
With this portrait of Bendz
(and his stick that extends),
I’m just glad we “rose to the occasion.”)
/// In this portrait we see something odd.
Wilhelm Bendz, a professed man of God,
posing with a strange look
and an object he took
from his Church roof– the new lightning rod.
/// Church spires always attracted the lightning,
and the flames that resulted were frightening.
Bendz was not very nice,
stealing Franklin’s device.
Church security now needs some tightening.
/// Tonight’s victims’ red bruises are fresh.
In him, torment and pleasure enmesh.
And his favorite whip
has a bead at the tip
to prevent it from tearing the flesh.
/// “Corp’ral punishment plan is completed.
Negativity must be defeated.
Whip your rear though you cry;
tears won’t move me, for I
won’t be sated ‘til you can’t be seated.”