Anthony Frederick Sandys, English
After a Month Without a Single Match, Rick Was Forced To Admit That Including the Whip in His Dating Profile Photo Was a Tactical Error, 1883
Oil on canvas
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Info, or links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here (archived if necessary), here, here, here, here (archived if necessary), here, here (can be read in full for free on Fridays), here (archived if necessary), and here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page.
/// Young Sir Thomas was cryptic; a riddle.
Enigmatic: obscure; non-committal.
All his choices, he’d hide—
never choosing a side.
So, he parted his hair in the middle.
/// Ambidextrous, (not lefty nor righty),
he thought giving up options was “flighty.”
Views on current events?
Centrist; straddling each fence.
Worshipped both Ares and Aphrodite.
/// Tom’s not really about contradictions.
He just bridles against all restrictions
caused when forced to make choices.
Now, Sir Thomas rejoices
in the courage of his (weird) convictions.
/// With the face of a silent film villain,
he appears to like torture and killin.’
Yet each woman he strips
and then lovingly whips
he gives bandages and penicillin.
/// He will offer one fox a red rose,
to select him above other beaux.
Tired of playing the field,
on one knee he’ll have kneeled,
and need no longer tally his hos.
/// Sir Tom’s hair fairly drips with pomade
so his part can be perfectly made.
And his head is so oily
it will ruin the doily
on the chair back where Tom’s head is laid.
/// Servants change these lace headrests each day,
but they can’t bear to throw them away.
The soiled antimacassars
are retrieved by by-passers
who repurpose them to macramé.