Charles-Melchior Descourtis, French
“Wait! No Offense, But I’d Really Be More Comfortable With You Giving Me Cervical Spine Adjustments AFTER You Finish Chiropractic School,” 1790s
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/// By his crush is The Lover Surprised.
He’d been reading and hadn’t surmised
that she’d sneak up behind,
grab him, then blow his mind,
saying, “Naughty boys must be chastised!”
/// Steamy love letters lay at his side.
All her deepest desires, she’d confide.
For this tryst they must meet.
“Come alone” she’d entreat.
A stone statue, a nearby nude, spied.
/// “It’s so lonely here by this deep stream,”
his love murmured as if in a dream.
As she covered his eyes,
she mused, to his surprise,
“I’ll bet no one would hear if you scream!”
/// His blood chilled; his mind briefly went blank.
Were her words just a weird, tasteless prank?
Then she gave him a yank
toward the near riverbank.
In the swift churning water he sank.
/// Did inhaled water cause him to choke?
Did he rise instead— laugh at her joke?
Did she grab him once more
to embrace on the shore,
or did she, too, get pulled in to soak?
/// They “met cute” (unless somebody died).
Harmless prank or a cruel homicide?
Was she there for the thrill
of true love… or a kill?
I will leave it for you to decide.
/// If you ask from behind him, “Guess who?”
that’s a not-very-wise thing to do.
Since you’ve covered his eyes,
don’t react with surprise
if the names that he guessed aren’t you.