Will Crawford, American
“Rudolph, With Your Nose So Bright, Won’t You Guide My Sleigh Tonight? I Would Think Very Carefully Before You Answer If I Were You,” 1912
Photomechanical print
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Info about this artist can be found here, here (can be read in full for free on Fridays), and here. He currently has no Wikipedia page.
/// “HANDS UP!” Santa Claus now seems to say
as he aims a revolver your way.
Why this vicious attack?
Put your cash in his sack.
He brings gifts; it’s the parents who pay.
/// On that List he compiles and checks twice,
Santa spells out who’s naughty and nice.
In those homes where his goal
is “fill stockings with coal,”
if they draw on him, they’ll pay the price.
/// All those gifts in one night is a deed
that needs help from some cocaine or speed.
He won’t snort it for fun,
just to get his task done,
(which he’d never accomplish on weed).
/// So, next Christmas, be sure you do not
leave for Santa some cookies with pot.
He prefers speed or blow,
or he might take your dough.
No false moves or you may well get shot.
/// In a post-midnight fireplace entry
to this house, Santa triggered the sentry.
The whole house is alarmed
and its owner is armed.
So is Santa, when visiting gentry.
/// Drop your gun, old man, don’t get excited!”
sneered the owner, “I’ll have you indicted.”
Santa spoke. “See this note
that your six-year-old wrote
to me at The North Pole? I’m invited!”