John Opie, English
“The IRS’s Letter Is Pretty Clear, Sir. It Appears You Can NOT Deduct Your Trophy Wife As a ‘Depreciating Asset,'” 1802
Oil on canvas
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Info or links to more info about this artist can be found here and here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page.
/// Dad discovered his daughter’s love letters,
from a cad who dared prey on his betters.
Angry Father won’t cease.
Having searched her valise,
he now vows to lock daughter in fetters.
/// The root cause of this family excitement—
correspondence which served as indictment.
Shouting down the girl’s stammer,
Father savaged her grammar
and spelling. He called them incitement.
/// Father favors a loose ugly jumper
for the child, so her boyfriend will dump her
when he can’t see her curves.
Father knows about pervs.
They prefer girls with busts that are plumper.
/// Lovely bride to an old financier,
she was drawn to his money, I fear.
Some pairs are May – December,
but in this case, remember,
Young Miss May’s from a whole different year.
/// Trading beauty for wealth, she can’t fuss,
when she finds that there’s naught to discuss.
They have nothing in common;
an antique Boston Brahmin,
and the girl who adjusts hubby’s truss.
/// In the painting, her husband complains
that invoices this suitcase contains
prove she wanted him killed,
and what’s worse, he was billed.
(What he married her for wasn’t brains.)
/// That shrewd maid in the head scarf had claimed
that she found all those letters which named
the new bride as a “Borgia.”
Could the maid be a forger?
And had Geezer’s young wife have been framed?