Charles William Mitchell, British
Stephanie’s Real Estate Career Really Took Off When She Started Dressing More Casually For Open Houses, 1885
Oil on canvas
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/// Sage Hypatia, seen here at the altar,
just before Christian mobs would assault her,
was exceedingly wise,
yet they gouged out her eyes.
What’s her crime? As a pagan they’d fault her.
/// Alexandria was where she taught
all the great Philosophical thought.
By the mob she was caught,
to a church she was brought,
and stripped naked while vainly she fought.
/// She was murdered and torn limb from limb.
Bishop Cyril— some say to blame him.
But its cruelly ironic,
that this genius Platonic,
brains and beauty, but dead on a whim.
/// Stupid sexism surges nonstop.
Bigots want gifted women to flop.
They’ll insult and complain
if they claim she’s too plain;
if a beaut— “slept her way to the top.”
/// Long, tall Sally, a true ectomorph,
was the wife of a wealthy old dwarf.
She went drinking at dusk
with a man, big and brusque,
and woke nude in the church by the wharf.
/// She showed up in the church, fully nude,
and (with water deemed holy) shampooed.
Here she asks a parishioner,
“Please toss me some conditioner.”
Oddly, none of the men thought her rude.
/// Although naked she came here from home,
she remembered to bring her best comb.
From the pews men appeared
and they all volunteered
to assist rinsing off soapy foam.
/// The priest looked at a bare female bust
and felt no stirrings of sinful lust.
With some cloths from the altar
he fashioned a halter,
and a skirt, which he at the girl thrust.
/// The girl really did not seem to care
that she’s standing in church wet and bare.
“Why are you all surprised?
It’s like being baptized.
Washed my sins clean, and also my hair.”