Karl von Calzada, Spanish
Edward’s Least Favorite Part of Getting It On With Prostitutes Was the Awkwardness of Trying To Redeem His Coupon, 1866
Oil on canvas
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Other than this, which says he was born in Spain and uses his alternate name, this, which says he was born in 1824 and was active/lived in Austria, and this, which instead (different birth year, most have 1824) has 1827-1894 for his lifespan, biographical info about this artist is lacking. He currently has no Wikipedia page in any language.
/// Max is getting Unwelcome Attention
from his daughter-in-law, not to mention
the attractive young maid,
and he’s feeling dismayed
that they think they’ll be getting a pension.
/// His son’s income is not very high,
and their household can barely get by.
But they know Max has cash
and that some of his stash
they can get him to freely supply.
/// His son’s wife has encouraged the maid,
(who has worked months without being paid),
to be “nice” to this gent
so he might pay their rent.
He’s a widower, easily “played.”
/// The real reason Max came here today
was to get his deadbeat son to pay
all his old IOUs,
(spent on gambling and booze),
but his son just slipped out the back way.
/// When his prodigal son disappeared,
it confirmed all the worst Max had feared.
He would help his son’s wife
lead a more frugal life,
but to mess with the maid just felt weird.
/// His sole son was a big disappointment
to Max, who had learned what a “joint” meant.
A new son could reclaim
his soiled family name
so Max summoned the maid (and some ointment).
/// The tan greyhound between Max’s feet
is all skin and bones— not so much meat.
It stares at the parrot
and thinks, “Do I dare? It
might bite, but it looks good to eat.”
///The chained parrot is flapping its wings.
In its highest screech, loudly it sings
bawdy snatches of verse
and its language gets worse
when it copies the curses Max flings.
/// On the floor is an odd-shaped green blob.
It’s a genuine thingamabob.
No one knows whence it came
or its actual name,
but when held you can feel the thing throb.
/// It appears Karl was Austrian born,
but perhaps his allegiance was torn.
In Spanish, “Calzada”
means “the road” (or “la strada”).
On his passport he may have forsworn.
/// He is plain and his manner is mild,
yet he makes all the ladies go wild.
They can’t leave him alone;
his unique pheromone
is a curse which makes him feel defiled.
/// You might think this man ought to be thrilled,
but, the fact is, he’s not very skilled.
He attracts girls, that’s true,
but he can’t follow through,
leaving everyone there unfulfilled.
/// Irresistable, but a buffoon,
he grew weary of making girls swoon.
He tried hiding away
all alone, ‘til the day
he encountered a crone who’s immune.
/// She was homely, but helpful and kind.
With her help, he’d relax and unwind.
Taught techniques he’d employ
to bring sexual joy;
they spent many an hour intertwined.
/// His allure’s now no longer a curse.
He could wander the world and immerse
himself in seven seas
of new women to please,
but he stays with his crone. Could do worse!