Lodewijk van der Helst, Dutch
“My Esteemed Houseguests: It’s Been Brought To My Attention That We Have Run Out of Toilet Tissue. Reserves Will Arrive With the Morrow’s Post. In the Meantime, I’m Afraid We’ll Have To Make Do With a Few of My Early Pencil Sketches,” ca. 1660-72
Oil on canvas
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Info, or perhaps links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here (archived, if necessary), here (if truncated, can be read in full for free on Fridays), and here (Google translated, if necessary), perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page.
/// I’m not someone who finds fault and bashes
Steve for paintings he picks; (I hate clashes).
But three of the last four
are of subjects that bore:
stocky Dutchmen with wispy mustaches.
/// They each have long and frizzy dark hair,
and a lot of white lace that they wear
under coats black as night,
so there’s not much to write.
(Index fingers may point in mid-air.)
/// I don’t say that these paintings are bad,
by L. van der Helst, (or B., his Dad),
but Steve’s never been booed
for a fine female nude.
If we get more of those we’ll be glad.
/// When I look at Dutch paintings, I’d swear
that they all have the same facial hair.
Are they fakes that they wear
stuck with spirit gum there?
That explains how they do it— they share.
/// With his father (and namesake) he’d vie
as a painter, this maritime guy.
Roman numerals beckoned,
(meaning “Younger” or “Second”),
but I call him van de Velde “Aye, Aye.”
/// If you’re desperate to go to the “head,”
but no paper is left, don’t feel dread.
Do not buy pricey art.
Have cash with which to part?
Dollar bills will serve nicely instead.