Herbert Morton Stoops, American
“I Know You’re Frustrated That the Locals Don’t Respect Your Authority. Have You Considered Whether It Might Be the Shorts?,” 1925
Oil on canvas
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Info, or perhaps links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here, here, here, here (can be read in full for free on Fridays), here, and here. He currently has no Wikipedia page in any language.
/// “Bwana’s taking A Break from the Hunt
for a smoke, while we guides bear the brunt
of locating big game,
but we’ll also get blame
if a lion they, unarmed, confront.”
/// Sitting on a log, taking a break,
they are unaware what is at stake
or they wouldn’t have set
rifles where they can’t get
them with ease. That’s a major mistake.
/// Before both of them walked very far he
told his sister he thought she’d be sorry
she had come along with-
out first taking a pith.
The sun shines very hot on safari.
/// The hot sun may have fried the girl’s brain,
for he patiently had to explain,
“Have you been drinking wine?
No one swung on that vine.
You imagined that ape-like man, Jane.”
/// “All because of those shorts you are wearing,
everyone sees your knees. Too much sharing.
They are knobby and white,
causing laughter or fright,
and the bearers can’t bear what you’re baring!”
/// Porter thought it was odd Jane should care
about shorts he, her brother, might wear.
Now she claims to prefer
loincloths of lion fur.
He can’t sleep— it’s a jungle out there.
/// “An old, hard, lumpy log isn’t good
to be seated upon. Understood?
To your lap I won’t go,
‘cause by now you should know
I do not enjoy sitting on wood.”
/// I went to a slightly mad hatter
to invent a new helmet to flatter
my very large head,
and he heard what I said,
so he got to the pith of the matter.
/// In the jungle, rains fall like a flood.
Broiled by sun we then slog through the mud.
My pith helmet helps me
to proceed. Can’t you see?
Look inside it— I’ve been sweating blood!
/// It gives excellent shade from the sun;
sturdy, light-weight and second to none.
But its name causes folks
to tell urine-based jokes,
and I lisp, so I don’t like that pun.