John Hamilton Mortimer, British
“Uhhh…No…I’m Not Saying It’s a Bad Drawing, Son. But…Just Out of Curiosity, Are You Allowed To Call in Sick For Show & Tell?,” 1765-70
Oil on canvas
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/// Fathers’ duties to sons sometimes vex,
but if done right, the duo connects.
Here, Dad tries to convince
son that looking at prints
is the best way to learn about sex.
/// They’d been bought by the man’s deceased brother.
Years ago Dad had asked of another,
“Come to my room to see
some rare etchings with me?”
And that’s how she became their son’s mother.
/// In these prints males and females were nude,
and portrayed in positions deemed lewd.
They showed full-contact sport
in which bodies contort,
(but some sizes were certainly skewed).
/// The boy did get a thrill voyeuristic,
from the etchings, all highly artistic,
but the lessons conveyed
by the actions portrayed
were distorted and unrealistic.
/// Father feared that his son might be neuter.
In the end, the man hired a “tutor.”
Should be the perfect fix;
the young woman did tricks.
More “hands on” than the prints, and much cuter.
/// To the father’s delighted surprise,
there’d been joy in his sheltered son’s eyes
when he leered at those prints.
Later on there were hints
that he’d only looked at the nude guys.
/// Daddy’s outlook turned sullen and glum,
and, unfairly, he blamed the boy’s Mum.
If there’s “blame” ‘twas his own
for those prints he had shown.
Son thought: “Someday my own Prince will come!”