Aelbert Jansz. van der Schoor, Dutch
Not Only Did Hendrik Love the Look of His New Beard, He Found It Doubled Nicely As a Whisk Broom, 1647
Oil on panel
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Info, or perhaps links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Google translated Spanish Wikipedia page (Google translated Russian Wikipedia page has more).
/// “Portrait of a Man”— somewhat surreal.
What conceals can, if studied, reveal.
His red mustache and beard
eclipsed how he appeared,
and kept samples of every past meal.
/// Wearing morsels of all he consumed,
it was challenging staying well-groomed.
The small place where he roomed
had to be kept perfumed,
for he smelled like a carcass exhumed.
/// He’d, for decades, had his hairless dome,
which is why, if you searched through his home
you’d find headgear galore,
(which he constantly wore),
but you’d rummage in vain for a comb.
/// You might think that his beard’s putrid smell
would potential companions repel,
but you’re wrong about that.
In his hair habitat
many creatures have chosen to dwell.
/// He should shave it, but he doesn’t dare;
there is more to his beard than just hair.
That red bush is alive
with a populous hive.
Fuzzy mold and cocoons are in there.
(My apologies to the anonymous man portrayed here. He seems perfectly clean and well-groomed, but in an attempt at humor I pretend he is not.)