Paul Jamin, French
“On Second Thought, Let’s Just Do Takeout. I Know a Good Neanderthal Place,” 1885
Oil on canvas
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MASTERPIECE #3342
Info, or perhaps links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here (archived if necessary), and here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page (Google translated French Wikipedia page has more).
/// Four brave hunters were armed for a fight,
‘til this gigantic beast came in sight.
They were clearly mismatched,
so a new plan was hatched:
Every man for himself— they took flight.
/// They had tried to unnerve it with fire,
then attacks with spears kindled its ire.
Now the huge beast will run
‘til its mission is done—
to make each proto-human expire.
/// How could four with this mammoth beast cope?
To destroy it they hadn’t a hope.
It has size, weight and speed,
so to kill it they’d need
at least forty more guys and some rope.
/// The hunters flee, leg muscles aching,
but slowness means bones will be breaking.
Either by ivory speared,
or on iced tundra smeared—
this was too mammoth an undertaking.
/// The pale sunlight is dimming at dusk
and they smell the enraged mammoth’s musk.
Panic helps them run fast,
for the one who is last
is the one who’s impaled on a tusk.
/// If the hunters could conquer their fears,
and inflict fatal wounds with their spears,
mammoth meat they would slice
and preserve it on ice
to have food that could last them for years.
/// As the four of them for their lives ran,
their wise leader came up with a plan.
They would head for the lake
where the beast’s weight would break
through the ice which had covered the span.
/// If they managed with good luck and skill
to avoid being caught in the spill,
they might yet bring back meat
for the whole clan to eat.
(Drowning mammoths are easy to kill.)
/// At the edge of the lake it would freeze
in ice water up well past its knees.
Aim their sharp wooden spears
at its brain through the ears.
From defeat they could victory seize.
/// If in danger by mammoths you’re put,
your prognosis is likely: kaput.
When a beast that’s that large
decides at you to charge,
you’re just something to scrape off his foot.
/// We have learned what those mammoths would eat,
and it never was Cro-Magnon meat.
They ate grasses and grain,
which may help to explain—
trampled men fertilize winter wheat.
–– or ––
/// In “The Winter’s Tale,” (Ice Age edition),
several actors are in competition.
They must “Exit, pursued
by a mammoth.” How rude!
Very few will survive the audition.
(The actor who got the role, “Wielded Heavy Axe” was selected by the author himself, “Will Shake Spear.”)