Ferdinand George Waldmüller, Austrian
The Mean Judge on “So You Think You Can Waltz,” 1839
Oil on panel
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MASTERPIECE #3195
Info, or perhaps links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here (archived if necessary), here, here, here (can be read in full for free on Fridays), here, here, here (Google translated, click ADB), and here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page (Google translated German Wikipedia page has more).
/// Lena slouches, suppressing a frown,
as she sits in her slick satin gown.
She would move to take action,
but she can’t get the traction;
if she tries to sit up she slides down.
/// When she chose that white dress, smooth and glossy
she was going for sassy and saucy,
but, because she can’t rise
Lena tries to devise
ways to seek help without seeming “bossy.”
/// She droops, trapped between “sit” and “recline.”
All along claiming, “I’m feeing fine.”
But she’s risking thrombosis
and displays scoliosis
with a serious curve in her spine.
/// Men approach Lena once in a while:
“You’re a pretty girl; why don’t you smile?”
But they ran away scared
when the girl’s teeth were bared.
(They’d been sharpened to points with a file.)
/// Long before she became an adult
little Lena was raised in a cult.
The one food they could eat
was raw freshly-killed meat,
and their teeth were filed as a result.
/// RBF? You cannot be suggesting
that the classic bitch faced here is resting.
To maintain that expression
of passive aggression
requires long years of practice and testing.
/// “Young man, put that away and get dressed.
Did you really think I’d be impressed?
When compared to the rest
you have hardly been blessed,
but as sphincter you’re biggest and best.”