Jan Steen, Dutch
“Me? I’m a High-Functioning Alcoholic. What Do YOU Do?,” Date Unknown
Oil on canvas
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MASTERPIECE #3169
Info, or links that point to more info, about this artist can be found here, here (archived if necessary), here, here, here, here (can be read in full for free on Fridays), here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page (Google translated French Wikipedia page has more).
/// Pouring wine from a pitcher of pewter,
Pieter, potted, performs as a suitor
with a young woman who
isn’t sure what to do;
(as a suitor he just doesn’t suit her).
/// The way that he’s staring suggests
that he wonders what’s up with her breasts.
Her top’s too tightly laced.
Now her bosom’s misplaced
and her collarbone’s welcoming guests.
/// She sits stiffly, her hands in her lap,
an unconscious defense from this chap.
In between sips of wine
Pieter pleads, “Please be mine.”
But it’s Dirk for whom she’s set her cap.
/// When compared to the man she loves, (Dirk),
pickled Pieter’s a poor piece of work.
His most frightening quirk?
Outside Dirk’s rooms he’ll lurk,
and if she goes there he goes berserk.
/// “Though I’m flattered, we cannot be wed.”
Yet there’s more Yara wished she had said:
“You’re uncouth and too old;
you need wine to be bold;
and your hat’s far too large for your head!”
/// Pieter longed for the chance to romance her,
so he bragged, “I’m an excellent dancer.”
For a kiss, he leaned in.
Yara’s fist hit his chin.
He just wouldn’t take “No” for an answer.
/// She was violent, using her fist
to prevent being forcibly kissed.
But, to Pieter, that’s sex,
so he never objects
if he feels pain when women resist.