Henri Adolphe Schaep, Belgian
“You Asshats. Did I NOT Tell You To Put the Weight Room in the CENTER of the Boat?,” 1849
Oil on panel
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Info, or perhaps links pointing to more info, about this artist can be found here (portion Google translated, if necessary) and here (if truncated, can be read in full for free on Fridays), perhaps in addition to what’s in his Wikipedia page.
/// Many workmen are Making Repairs
at the Shipyard, but nobody dares
ask the Captain just how,
‘neath the waves some craft’s prow
pierced his ship while he sailed unawares.
/// They were two leagues from port, all was fine.
Then disaster, below water line.
A huge metal point speared
through the hull and they feared
they’d be sunk by the in-flooding brine.
/// Quickly ordering all pumps be manned,
from the deck, the horizon he scanned.
To the surface, afloat,
rose an undersea boat.
‘Twas the Nautilus, Nemo’s command.
/// Nemo, militant-pacifist, swore
that he’d sink every vessel of war.
But this ship was not armed
and should not have been harmed,
so the Nautilus tugged it to shore.
/// With embarrassment for this mistake,
Nemo promised amends he would make.
From his submarine’s hold
he produced chests of gold.
The repairs would be paid with his “take.”
/// Now, the damaged ship’s Captain surveyed
the repairs which were recently made.
The huge hole has a hatch
which they’d used as a patch,
but the edges will leak, he’s afraid.
/// One workman was shamed to confess
he’d suggested this odd repair mess.
Should it capsize again,
with this hatch all the men
below decks have a means of egress.
/// When you’re scraping the hull of a whaler,
put the lumps you scraped off in a mailer.
There’s a seaman who’ll pay
to have these sent his way,
and for each barnacle, bill the sailor.
/// If they’re hoping to find a good way
to cut down on what passengers weigh,
then the owners should choose
to provision each cruise
with a limit of three meals a day.
(…and, by no means, provide a buffet.)